I got up this morning and started reading the groups I belong to and was disheartened to see that a very valuable member of one of the groups had decided to leave.

I am seeing a disturbing pattern of behavior on a number of the business groups that I belong to. It seems that someone will post factual, but possibly controversial or just unpleasant information. Members are very quick to take offense and take the information personally, even when the post is simply offering general information.

I have even seen a member take strong exception to a valuable answer being tersely written!

So far, the extreme examples of this behavior have been limited to groups where I am just a member and not the owner, but I’m finding the results heartbreaking, none the less!

One of the specialty groups is relatively new, and most of the members posting are not experienced in this area. However, I know of three experienced professionals who were lurking, and have since left because of discord on that list.

In another instance, the member who was providing information and was attacked had made arrangements for the president, design coordinator, and three company designers to join the group and contribute. She had forwarded list digests to the president so that he could observe how the group functioned, without realizing that those digests contained some particularly venomous attacks (she read the messages online and was behind in her reading). Needless to say, the president decided his company would not participate in the group.

I think that there are several important lessons to be learned here…

1) It has been my experience that when I read something and have a knee-jerk reaction, it is because that message is hitting a little too close to home!

These are business groups, and if I’m serious about my business I need to be willing to take the bad news along with the good news. This means if I knee-jerk, when I read a message, I need to consider why I’m reacting this way. Attacking the person who wrote the message is not beneficial for anyone. Clearly, the problem is my own.

Frankly, I’m at the stage in my life when I realize that what I don’t want to hear is usually what I most need to hear. This is business, and denying the unpleasant stuff I don’t want to hear is not heping me or anybody else!

2) We also need to realize that valuable, thoughtful posts take time to write. (This one took almost 90 minutes) Many of us who are contributing to these lists are doing this in between getting our regular work done. I know that often times I have to decide whether taking an hour or more to write a reply in the middle of a busy day is worthwhile. When you add in the time needed to sugarcoat the information, it becomes an exercise in futility. More and more, if I realize that my information is likely to be unpleasant, I decide it’s not worth my time to contribute and then be attacked or berated for the post.

The fact of the matter is, I’m one of the lucky ones and I rarely get drive-by e-mails, so it is no wonder folks who get more reaction are deciding that it’s not worth participating.

3) If the topic is one with no resolution in sight, then simply agree to disagree…

Group members are adults and can make their own decisions based on the messages posted or invest their own time to do additional research.

Just walk away, Renee! (Note, for those humor challenged groups, this is a musical reference, not finger pointing!)

4) Finally, don’t shoot the messenger, either on the groups or in off-list emails… shooting the messenger can have long term consequences to the overall health of the group! (Another attempt to insert some levity into this topic…)

Do I think that these business groups are useful? Yes, I do, that’s why I’m hanging in here and trying to make a difference!

Have I been questioning whether it is worth my time? Yes!

Certainly, communication that is written can be easily misinterpreted. That is a commonly recognized problem with e-mail and online groups. However, in the case of business groups, I feel that it is the responsibility of the group members reading the messages to keep from flying off the handle! If you really strongly react negatively to a message, then don’t reply until you’ve had time to consider it.